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My parents
separated in August 1982, the year I was 12 and starting high
school. Up until then I had a very happy, fun filled,
energetic childhood. I did not play sports (except goalie in
Ringette) but unlike kids today we were out literally running
around from dawn to dark. I got plenty of exercise. When my
parents separated I started eating all the food my mum, who is
also a large person, stopped eating. I remember my mom losing
about 100lbs after the separation (she has since regained most
if not all the weight lost). I did not gain that much but I
would eat what she left on her plate along with my full meal,
thereby beginning my journey of using food to anaesthetize my
emotional pain.
As my mum
and sister struggled emotionally after the divorce I continued
to use food as my preferred pain killer. I put on a happy
face and did the best that I could at school. It was not
enough. I also turned to alcohol and partying and their
numbing effects helped me forget the pain of my parents’
separation and the subsequent alienation from my family. In
my graduation year at a New Years Eve party I was sexually
assaulted by an unknown partier. To say the least that was
very traumatic. But food and alcohol helped ease the pain and
shame.
Is it no
wonder that I became passionate about becoming a chef? Not to
me. So I took all foods courses throughout high school that I
could take and stayed true to my best friend. I did graduate
with a scholarship to continue my foods studies and of course
I wanted nothing more than to live my life with food. I
continued my partying ways throughout college using food and
drink to numb my pain.
When I was
19 I became very ill. I actually thought I had AIDS (as I was
also now promiscuous too!). This resulted in my highest
weight loss to date. I lost 50lbs and slimmed right down.
After I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (not AIDS)
I started feeling better. With partying and drinking and
staying out all night dancing 6 days a week I was able to keep
the weight off for a couple of years. During this time I
graduated with my Cook’s Training Certificate and went to work
at a very high end golf club as the dessert and appetizer
chef. Yummmm!
Eat,
drink, dance, sleep, work. Eat, drink, dance, sleep, work.
Eat, drink, dance, sleep, work. Eat, drink, dance, sleep,
work. That was my life for 4 years. I met my husband during
that time. We got married (I was back to a size 14 from an
8). I got pregnant and gained 64 pounds with my pregnancy. I
was then a size 18. My daughter was born in 1992. Eating
continues. I get pregnant again and my son is born in 1994.
I don’t gain much with this pregnancy because the marriage is
very troubled. I do however continue my pattern of using
food to comfort me.
My husband
and I separate (and subsequently divorce) in 1996. My
children were 4 and 1. I was then a single parent with very
few friends and a very judgmental family. Bring on the
food!!!! Bring on the diets! Dieting to me is something I do
when I hate myself the most, so dieting is not a healthy thing
for me. I have tried (unsuccessfully) Jenny Craig, Weight
Watchers, Slim Fast, the Cabbage Soup diet, South Beach,
Atkins, Oprah and Dr. Phil. I have used a personal trainer
and seen a nutritionist. All with varying results but
ultimately I regain the weight.
Over the
years that have followed I have had successful therapy for the
hurt and pain I have endured. I feel very healthy emotionally
most of the time. I have never had therapy to address the use
of food in my life. Food to me is an addiction, one that
developed when I was just 12 years old! I am now 37 and feel
powerless to change. I know that makes me sound weak and in
this area I would agree. Otherwise I am a happy, healthy,
strong, whole person.
I am still
a single mom (10 years now), drink occasionally and have been
celibate since my divorce. I really have exorcized most of
my demons. I do not date or even go to social functions
because of my weight. I am usually the largest person in the
room and it makes me uncomfortable. I want to be in a
healthy, loving relationship but I use my weight as a shield
to protect me from getting close to anyone. I truly believe
that my role as provider and caregiver to my family has
prevented me from taking care of myself. I have no time, no
energy and no financial resources to help myself.
It was my
family doctor who recommended I think about gastric bypass
surgery as a tool to help me live my remaining years in a
healthy body. She and I truly believe that this is my best
option to live longer. She has watched me struggle throughout
my life with my relationship with food. My family has a
history of obesity, heart disease (resulting in early death)
and adult onset diabetes (among others) that are worrisome to
us. I live with migraines, spastic bowel, knee pain, back
pain and depression. And I am still young!!!
I really
do long to play soccer with my son and basketball with my
daughter while they still want to play with their mom. I want
to stand next to my daughter at her graduation (in 3 years!)
with her looking as proudly at me and my accomplishments as I
will be of her and her accomplishments. My greatest desire is
to turn 40 looking and, most importantly, feeling fabulous!
These
things at this time are not fully within my control. I am
doing my best to follow Dr. Amson’s advice in order for him to
see me as a successful candidate. But ultimately my fate lies
in his hands. I am seeing a counsellor to specifically
address my food addiction issues. Along with the steps
outlined by Dr. Amson, I have become an active member of his
website and will continue to go to the monthly support
meetings. I am prepared to change.
The title
of my letter is “Victoria’s (not so Victorious) story so
far…” This is appropriate because I know this step, gastric
bypass, will not be the end of my story but a continuation of
a healthy, active change in lifestyle and patterns.
I will be
VICTORIOUS!!!
But, in a
nutshell……Why am I fat???
I eat too much,
I eat too much at the wrong time,
I eat too much of the wrong foods,
I eat for emotional reasons,
I eat for no reason at all,
And,
I don’t exercise! |