|
I blame my parents for their lack of love and concern for my
sisters and I. They let us know we were too fat but didn’t
switch up our foods and didn’t believe girls should be in
sports. Just that we were fat and how would we ever find a man
to love us each! I think my blame is rightly placed but
realize too that there comes an age of accountability and I
reached and past mine.
I know that by the time I truly realized how desperate my
situation was I already had a sense of hopelessness, doom, and
destiny. I was 14 years old and weighed 210 pounds. I know
exactly how much I weighed then because word got out and
everyone in my class knew. One very long year full of hard
learned lessons.
At 33 years old and 289 pounds I decided that I was not
going to put my children through that rotten life which I had
endured. I was going to have to pull up my socks and change my
attitudes about food and physical activity and change my
self-defeating, low self-esteem and blame placing behaviours.
I began by paying attention to what I was putting into my
mouth and theirs. I started walking everywhere I went and
worked out to fitness tapes. I could feel it working in that I
was finally out of my maternity clothes (two years post
pregnancy!). I started going to a “fit plus” low to moderate
aerobics class two nights a week at the local recreation
centre and worked harder than ever in my entire life. I didn’t
realize how well I had done until I went to my doctor to talk
about weight loss surgery. I was weighed and discovered that I
had lost 40 pounds in one year! My doctor put in the request
and I joined Curves, started speed walking and kicked things
up in a step class including a body conditioning class. I lost
another 40 pounds last year by these measures and by cutting
out any kind of dessert, including those highly addictive
coffee drinks.
I now weigh 209 pounds. My physical condition is better
than ever. I have strength and stamina. I am no longer
depressed and the only pills I take now are an essential fatty
acid supplement and a multivitamin. I am enjoying my children
more than ever and they are enjoying having a healthy mom. My
husband calls me petite! I love shopping in the regular sized
stores and the kindness people bestow on normal sized people!
People are so much more nice to you in every aspect, no
question!
I cannot seem to get past this dreaded 209 pounds. I need
your help now, Dr. Amson. I can feel the defeatist rearing her
ugly head.
I have continued to exercise and choose healthy foods but I
have trouble with portions and never feel full. Ever. Even
when I know I must be full, I don’t “feel” full. I still
sometimes eat in my sleep, and find myself popping something
in mouth before I even realize what I’ve done. This I do when
I feel stressed. I recognize this and own it.
Weight loss surgery is the answer. The final piece. The
tool that will help me to see my goals achieved. The tool to
help me on my journey to freedom. Freedom from self-loathing
and negative behaviour. I need to be forever happy and
healthy. I need to enjoy life, experience life and most
importantly to want life.
I cannot let fat kill me.
I look forward to my second appointment with you doctor and
hope that you and this surgery are the saviours that I imagine
you to be.
With stars in my eyes, Yours truly,
N |