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Why do I
want to loose weight? Aside from the health issues I want to
be the best version of me I can be, and right now I’m not that
person. I haven’t seen around the corner yet, so I don’t know
what that version of me is like but I’m ready to find out. I
want to learn how to Kayak, play ball again, and walk onto a
volleyball court with out feeling like I don't belong there. I
want to stop having to shop at "special" stores that charge
twice as much for clothes. I want to stop feeling like
everything wrong in my life is because of my weight. I want my
internal dialogue to be encouraging rather then disparaging.
It’s
not that complicated; eat healthy and exercise. Calories in
have to be balanced by calories out. Seems simple enough, so
why haven't I been able to make it work. It feels like there
is some secret club and I haven’t figured out the secret
handshake.
Is it
genetics, lack of self-confidence, a screwy thyroid.... the
real answer is I don't know. I feel like I’ve made every
attempt possible with every good intention possible. I've done
TOPS, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, The Zone and the list goes
on. I've never crash dieted or taken diet pills. My approach
was always to find a healthy plan or program I could live
with. There was always some initial success in the first few
weeks, but generally at about 3mos things would just stop
working and then I would get frustrated and give up.
In
recent years I have trained and run in five 10k marathons.
Last year I started taking golf lessons and up until October
was golfing 2 to 3 times a week. This along with seeing a
personal trainer twice a week and for a few months was also
going to aerobics twice a week. Seems to me most people could
loose weight doing all of that. There just isn't anymore time
or money that I can commit.
Looking
back at my childhood I was an average size kid. The difference
between my peers and me is I was sturdy and solid or “big
boned”. However back then being the "big" girl would turn out
to have lasting effects both physically and emotionally. The
girls in my class were all very slight and petite. Even with
my family, my sister was less then 100lbs when she graduated
and my mom 94lbs on her wedding day, and on my father’s side
of the family the opposite every single woman is obese. I
didn’t fit anywhere.
I think
not having anybody my age or a significant role model I could
relate to in terms of self-image played a major role in the
way I viewed myself. I was into sports right thru junior high.
I ran track, played basketball, and softball until I was about
13. Through high school I was on the volleyball team right up
until I graduated. Up until I was about 15 I was just very
curvy and had developed a lot faster and sooner then the other
girls. Looking back I didn't start putting on weight until
about the age of 15 or so. I stopped taking PE in grade 10. By
this point I didn't have a lot of self esteem and felt very
self-conscious of my body. I think a distorted body image
contributed to eating for comfort and putting on the weight
was a way to be invisible rather then dealing with my body.
Seemed like suddenly I had become the “big” girl, a
self-fulfilling prophecy.
I met
another girl waiting for surgery and we talked about reasons
why we wanted surgery. Her answer was because she was lazy;
she had made no attempts to be healthy with exercise or diet.
Internally I was screaming, I’m not like you, I’ve done all
the right things, and no one could ever call me lazy. I’m not
good at asking for help, nor am I looking for validation. I
always preferred to rely on myself, and well that clearly
isn't working so I’m asking for help now. Not for a free ride
or a quick fix, but for help to change my life in ways I
haven’t been able to on my own.
I’ve
read that less then 5% of people who make it to their target
weight by using diet and exercise are able to keep the weight
off for more than a year. Less then 5%!!!!!!!! So surgery
becomes a tool, something to help me achieve my goals, give me
some freedom to discover me, the real me that I haven't met
yet, but is going to be the best version of me. |