My " Why" Story. By TL 2008 (This story is for 18 and older some content is
not suitable for Minors).
The story of how I became to weigh over 400 pounds is not an easy one to
share, nor is it easy to go back and remember the past I've fought so long to
keep hidden away. My name is TL. I was born and given away to a cult ( The
Children of God. aka: The Family) in South America at a very young age. I grew
up with other children in my same situation, raised in isolation from the
outside world, no parents, no family, my only friends being my imagination.
My daily life went something like this: Wake up at 5 am to some old guy
quoting the bible while some naked woman or man paraded down the hallway from
what we kids would call " The tunnel".( It was the hallway leading to the place
where acts of sexual and physical abuse would take place to us kids). My mind
always in fear wondering when I would be next. Shuffled off in silence to the
lunch room. ( talking was prohibited punishable by holding our ankles with our
bare bottoms exposed to receive 10 hits with a holed wooden paddle) we normally
ate cold wheat cereal no sugar no milk. Once a week we were given yogurt with
raisins in it. Daily devotional reading for 2 hours( if we fell asleep above
punishment followed) Work Time Scrubbing bathrooms with nothing but our hands
and ammonia mixed with bleach, the burns would make my whole body itch and
sting, clipping grass with scissors in the hot sun 44 degrees in the shade,
sunburns and the blisters from the small scissors caused plenty of infections.
Lunch, a fruit with water. 3 hours of Devotional reading again,
They would take the bible and twist it around to serve what they wanted us to
believe. Our little minds knowing nothing else, this was a way of life. Taught
that inside our little fenced in world, God loved us and outside was hell 1000
times worse then anything we could ever imagine, our worst nightmares were not
the nightly raping or the lack of food, it was our imaginations of the horrors
that lay outside the gates. After witnessing my only friend kill herself because
she thought I had abandoned her, the sense of guilt and the hatred I had for
myself became unbearable that I decided to take my own life at the age of 13, I
fled into the one place I was taught my whole life to fear, Outside the gates
and into the Brazilian Jungles.
I lasted 4 days out there my mind confused and still waiting for the darkness
of torture and hell to consume me. ( all that consumed me were mosquitoes and
bugs) A Missionary Red Cross Lady found me and with my crude English skills she
got me on my feet again. Culture shock was over whelming. My brainwashed mind
literally in a frenzy daily. I was angry bewildered and emotionally unstable, my
whole life was a lie everyone everything I was taught to believe in was a lie, I
was alone and I hated the world for it, Pregnant with my now 14 year old Son I
ran away from the Mission and lived for the next two years on the streets. I am
not sure how I ended up in Argentina then Chile, things went blurry and I still
have a hard time remembering everything, My Son, the reason I kept on living, a
gift from the true God who I know now has a plan for me, He gave me the strength
and determination to keep going and to take care of Him.
Over the next year or so I gained weight I never wanted another Man to look
at me and want me, In my mind if I became fat and ugly they would leave me
alone, even though I was relatively safe now. In my mind the horror was still
very real, so I over ate and gained weight, at the time it seemed the best plan.
The trauma that my back had suffered due to the frequent beatings and
malnutrition as a child started to take its toll. I suffered from severe back
pain and the weight I was forcing my damaged back to haul around was causing
excruciating pain. ( The Pain is still very real for me) my health took a HUGE
downfall and my life started to become difficult, I couldn't do the things I
used to, I became Bulimic ( sp?) I started to feel guilty about eating, but I
loved the flavour of food, there are still things I haven't even tried yet in an
endeavour to catch up on everything I lost in my childhood. A constant struggle
with myself.
After I managed to get to Canada and deal with even more culture shock my Son
Now 3 years old when we got to Canada. I gained 100 pounds in two months from
the food in North America, Too much processed food too much novelty and that was
the beginning of the end of my life. It was true people rejected me because of
my weight. No one wanted me, I was truly ugly, 400 pounds now. I hated my life,
myself and everything.
I was sent to Dr L. Pazder Cult specialist, He helped me to start to love
myself again. I started to lose weight I lost 110 pounds. I was starting to feel
good and confronted my past and learned many valuable lessons I still use today.
My life turned around and I became compassionate, caring with others and giving,
but one thing lacked, I still felt alone. I felt no one would want me cause I
was fat. Life continues... I weigh 300 pounds now. I have two Beautiful boys 14
and 6 years old. I am happy as a parent and I met an amazing Man who loves me
for who I am, not what I look like.
In ending I suppose the question that was asked to me " why" I gained and why
want to lose weight or why I think I could benefit from this surgery is simple.
It's not because I hate myself or my life, it's not because I blame my past or
misfortunes, I wouldn't take back anything, I am who I am today because of my
past. It's because I Love myself and my life and I want to be able to live it
with My family, they deserve a healthy fit Mom who can keep up with them at a
ball park and It makes me cry when I think about the many risks I run with death
because of my weight. I want this surgery because I Love My life I love My Kids
and I deserve to be able to live it as best as I can. TL 2008CD
QUICK LINKS
