My
father tells me a story about coming home from a business trip to find
me in
my crib caked in feces and empty sour bottles all around me. My mother
tells me
a story about how my father went on his business trips without leaving
her any
money for food and she had to steal money from him and hide it under
the carpet
so she could by us fruit loops. I don't know who to believe. They
divorced when
i was 5 years old. I remember my father being violent against my
mother. My
mother has many horrible tales of my fathers abuse towards her. My
mother chose
to keep my youngest sister and give my brother and myself to my father
in the
settlement. My mother sent me away to a very angry and abusive man, my
father.
My father used corporal punishments as a way of controlling us. His
belt/food
and humiliation were his favourites. I remember being grounded from
dessert for
weeks on end and being forced to watch my brother and step-sister enjoy
themselves. My parents had special nights of lobster and steak, while
us kids
were in the kitchen eating macaroni and cheese. We were sent to bed on
many
occasions without dinner and I remember waking up starving and running
into the
bathroom and putting my mouth underneath the tap and gulping down the
water
until i was almost sick. Once I stole a rum ball from the fridge at
Christmas
and my step-mother and father made me write 100 lines that I would
never steal
food again. Little did they know I had been stealing food since I was 7
years
old. I would cut linings into my pockets and stuff them full of
chocolate and
candy from the grocery store when they sent me to return bottles for a
refund.
I would steal from the kids lunches at school. I would steal food at
home and
conceal it so well I would not be caught. When we were good we were
also
rewarded with food. Once I was grounded for an entire summer to play
alone in
the backyard, no friends, no music, no dessert, no TV and I could not
play
with my brother and sister. My brother admitted at the end of the
summer that
he was in fact the one who committed the offence for which I had been
grounded
and we had a big pizza party in my honour for not lying. The pizza had
anchovies on it, I hated anchovies but i ate it anyways to make my dad
happy
and be proud of me. I was never allowed to put my own food on my plate.
My
step-mother put the food on my plate. The amount of food on my plate
was the
same as the amount of food on my dad's plate. I had to eat everything
on my
plate or i would not get dessert. I always ate everything on my plate
to get
that dessert. That dessert meant everything to me. Food was everything
to me.
Food was predictable, food never hurt me and food made me happy.
When
I was 13 I had enough of my fathers abuse and called the police. The
police removed us from our home and we were passed on to my mother.
(When we
lived with my father my mom rarely ever spent time with us. She would
cancel
weekends with us or not show up at all. I still remember waiting with
my
brother for hours in my strawberry shortcake dress eating pb&j
sandwiches.
I was always severely hurt by my mother when she cancelled or ditched us
as
spending the weekend at her home was a much needed reprieve from my
father and
step-mothers abuse.) For the first time in 8 years i was going to be
living
with my mother. She was not the person i thought she was going to be.
She was
emotionally abusive. For whatever reason my mother did not love me and
i was
her least favourite. My mother had no difficulties letting me know I was
her least
favoured child. My mother is an overeater. She would buy special food
just for
herself. Of course that food was what I wanted and I would steal it
from her.
She would realize the food was gone and i would blame it on anyone but
me. I
would steal money from her to buy the foods i needed to be able to
function. It
was at this time in my life I discovered bulimia. I began purging.
After many
fights and heartbreaks I had to leave. I ran away from home at 13. I
lived on
the streets for a period of time. I was on the streets of Kitchener,
Ontario. I
was smart and never did any drugs or had sex. Children's Aid found me
and I
became a ward of the court. I bounced around from a foster home and
then to
many group homes. Life was hard but food was there for me the whole
time. Food
held me and loved me through all the pain and heart ache. I did get
most of my
high school done during this crazy time of my life. I was slowly
starting to
put on weight. At 18 I was 202lbs. I was so hungry. Hungry for love and
acceptance. Hungry for my family. Hungry for true friends. Food filled
up and
numbed me out through this time. I got pregnant when I was 19.
I
had my son at 20. He was 10 weeks early and weighed 2.5 lbs. He was in
hospital for 2.5 months. I was a breast feeding mom and pumped my milk
until he
was able to latch on and feed himself. I was single (by choice). I was
alone.
My family was of no help or support. I wanted my son to be proud of his
mom. I chose to finish my high school and go to college to
become and nurse.
It was hard and hectic but completed both. I was now 223 lbs. Binging
and
purging and overeating was a big part of my life. With all the stress of
school
and raising my son alone i turned to food for comfort. My nursing
uniforms got
tight. I was in denial. I blamed the tight uniforms on the dryer. I met
a nice
guy and we got married when i was 24. I wasn't in love. I just wanted
so
desperately to be normal. Normal people got married. Maybe then my mom
and dad
would love me.......
We
moved to British Columbia. I became very unhappy in my marriage. He was
amazing to me and loved me like crazy. I resented him for being so
passive and
so loving to me and my son. I hated my life. I was mad at the world,
family and
myself. My life started to get crazy. My son was suffering. I couldn't
be there
for him. I was so deep in compulsive overeating and bulimia. I only had
enough
energy to work and slowly destroy my life. My husband took over raising
my son.
the food was taking over and i was drowning.
Food
and denial began ruling my life. I ended my marriage. I almost lost my
job
twice. I was blaming everyone else and taking no responsibility for my
life or
actions. My son was living with me. I was only able to keep a roof over
his
head and food in his belly. He was raising himself. He was 6 at the
time. He
was getting himself up for school. Feeding/bathing and everything else
for
himself. I would have him sleep in my bed at night and just hug him
until he
fell asleep. I felt so much guilt. I knew I was hurting him but felt so
helpless and powerless over my life and food. I was using laxatives and
exercising 4 hours a day . Drinking whole bottles of M.O.M. Overeating
and
purging. I got myself down to 149 lbs. I am 5'8 and a large framed
woman. At
149 lbs I was small. I had the "perfect body". I attracted so much
attention from men. I started hurting myself with men and sex. I hated
men more
than ever. I kept thinking, "you love me now that i am thin but if I
gain
weight you will think I am ugly and gross and leave me". I raged
inside. I
was killing myself. I was using my drug of choice (food/bulimia) at
work. I was
bed ridden when I was not at work. I was addicted to the computer.
Everyone was
telling me how great i looked and how beautiful I was. I was dying.
I
went to Ontario to visit my mom. I realized nothing changed and she
could not
and would never love me the way i needed her to love me. The food began
calling
to me more than ever. I began eating more than i was purging. The
weight began
to increase at an alarming rate. I was hospitalized 4 times at an
eating
disorder unit here in Vancouver. One of those times I was hospitalized
for 6
months inpatient and 4 months outpatient. It was a program for people
with
severe eating disorders who wanted their lives back again. Part of the
program
was having to attend Overeaters Anonymous (OA) once a week. I had
attended a
number of meetings before, but tried again.
OA
is a fellowship based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Alcoholics
Anonymous. Replacing alcohol for food and alcoholic for over eater. The
definition of abstinence is not compulsively overeating. I have been in
OA for
4 years. I have had much recovery through the fellowship of OA. I tried
four
times by going to meetings and getting a sponsor, but the food would
call and
the disease would take over my life. I would get right back into the
food and
forget about recovery. I struggled to recover. I knew something was
really
wrong with me. I was out of control. Food was my drug of
choice. I was
tired.
I
met a really loving man. He has a "normal" relationship with food.
He has been with me through my crazy struggles with food, deep
depression and
hospitalizations. He has been there through my four attempts at
recovery in OA.
He has been wonderful with my son and they have an amazing
relationship. My
partner has helped give the stability both my son and i needed to
recover.
There were a couple of times he didn't think he could handle my disease
and
wanted to leave. I realized I loved this man with all of my heart and I
saw how
happy my son was and how wonderful I felt and I knew I had to fight
this
disease if I wanted to keep this wonderful life. I went on LTD through
my work
to make recovery first in my life. I was hospitalized. The hospital
taught me
many wonderful new tools to live and new healthy coping mechanisms, but
it was
not enough. I was still in the food. I weighed in at 294 lbs. I then
started
weekly group therapy sessions with a psychiatrist. My weight was 311
lbs. These
group sessions are amazing and life changing for me. I needed more to
assist me
in my recovery. I found out i was pregnant last year with a baby girl.
The
pregnancy was hard being morbidly obese. Walking, sleeping and
breathing were
difficult. I was scared I was going to gain HUGE amounts of weight. I
am
pleased to tell you i only gained 22 lbs in my pregnancy. I think my
pregnancy
was a little gift in that i got to feel what 343 lbs would feel like. I
gave
birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl 6 lbs, 7oz. I got that boost
that i
needed. When I looked into her eyes I was terrified I was going to pass
this
disease to her. That is the last thing i would ever want. My grandma
passed it
to my mom, my mom to me an my sister. I did not want to pass it to my
baby
girl. I went back to OA. I have a strong program consisting of three
meetings a
week, got a sponsor, started working the steps and found a meal plan. I
have
completed my first set of 12 steps.
I
am tired of the fight with my weight. It has been so many years. I want
to be
able to chase after my daughter and hop from rock to rock at Lynn
Valley with
my son. Why I need this surgery is simple. I wish to use it as tool in
my
recovery. Gastric surgery is not the answer for me but a tool to assist
in
weight loss and recovery from this disease. Dr. Amson gave me the
prescription
of exercise a minimum of one hour a day. I have complied and have been
walking
everyday for an hour. I love it. Walking makes me feel alive and I
can't wait
until I can do more. I am in pain due to my weight, but I know "this
too
shall pass" as i walk everyday. I love sharing this time with my
daughter
and I feel proud of myself. We walk in rain and shine. My son and
partner joins
in sometimes too. It's wonderful. The pain is worth it! The pain is
lessening
everyday as my body becomes accustom to walking. I bought a new jogging
stroller and running shoes. Soon I am going to buy more workout
clothing. I am
making walking a part of my everyday life. With the help of
my creator
and the 12 steps and 12 traditions of OA, tools for living and the
surgery I
can get to my ideal weight and play sports, hike and run!
I
am never leaving OA. Even with the help of the surgery to lose weight
and i
get to my ideal weight i will continue my program with OA and my weekly
group
therapy sessions. I know this is a disease and there is no cure. I know
I have
to work hard, "one day at a time", to stay healthy and keep the
weight off. The weight is not the issue. I eat to comfort and numb
myself.
Stuff my feelings down. Stuff down past pain and suffering. It worked
when i
needed it to work, but the food it not working for me anymore. It
hasn't been
working for quite a while. I want my life back. Today, my food is
squeaky clean
healthy. I am a very active member of the OA fellowship. I am feeling
happy and
healthy both emotionally and physically. I need to stay on this path to
recovery because I know lurking around the corner is the eating
disorder/disease waiting to take away from me my wonderful life at any
moment.
I must stay vigilant. Currently I am 306 lbs.
Thank
you Dr. Amson for seeing me and considering me as a candidate for
surgery.
CD
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