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My Story
AW 58 Courtenay - Jan 2008
WHY....................................
This is my letter to you about why I
believe I have gained weight over the years. Right at this moment I weigh 304
pounds and would prefer to weigh 140 pounds.
I was a sexually abused child and I
suffered from the effects of that until my early thirties when I met Jesus
Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour. Up until then I suffered all of the
anguish and pain of being sexually abused and exhibited all of the behaviours of
someone who has been sexually abused: alcohol, men, depression, shame, guilt,
etc. I had attended a workshop on sexual abuse and was shocked by how I related
to everything they talked about - it could have been my life they were talking
about.
Using food and becoming fat is also part of
the sexual abuse syndrome and I discovered food in my mid-twenties. This is when
I started gaining weight - levelling out at approximately 190 pounds for quite a
few years. Food tasted good, brought me comfort, and allowed me to hide behind
the weight it put on me – I’m not sure when it became my “everything”.
Unfortunately, over the years, I had become addicted to food and the “comfort”
it brought me. Even though I was active doing various sports, walking, going to
the YMCA, the weight stuck. A couple of times I lost weight by eating like a
bird with one fad diet or another, but could not maintain that and so it would
come back. In talking with a friend in my mid-thirties about my weight problem,
we came to the conclusion I was trying to be invisible to everyone and
especially to men. I always wore dark clothes and never wore anything that would
bring any attention to me. Self-esteem? I didn’t have any. Again, this is an
effect of sexual abuse.
I have also had numerous health problems
from the time I was a very little girl. One of my earliest memories, besides
sexual abuse, is of sickness - sickness that has plagued me all of my life. I
also believe that I have had hypothyroidism since my twenties, since the time I
started gaining weight and couldn’t get it off and keep it off. When I was
finally diagnosed, I believe I was on the verge of the “myxedema coma” that can
occur from undiagnosed, untreated hypothyroidism. I felt like a complete slug -
there were days when I could not even get out of bed due to a complete lack of
energy. I also suffered from many of the symptoms related to advanced long term
hypothyroidism. One day as I lay on my couch in a moment of deep despair, I
recall totally giving up, saying to myself “it’s just a matter of time until
something happens and you will die - please let it be soon and get it over
with”. I felt so awful and I honestly believed life was over – fortunately it
was only a little while later that I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism
and began treatment. Over the years, my weight has ballooned to 323 pounds,
gaining 75 pounds in 3 years as my thyroid screamed for help in its long term
hypothyroid state and another 25 pounds while regulating the dose.
Please be careful with your thyroid. The
regular test that they give you for thyroid can come back with normal readings
and they will not dig deeper to discover why you are having “hypothyroid like”
symptoms. So, if you have the classic symptoms of hypothyroidism: constant
fatigue, sensitivity to cold, hair falling out, depression, constipation, etc,
(look on the internet for a complete list) please have your doctor check your
Thyroid 3’s and 4’s.
I always thought that when my thyroid was
finally balanced, the weight would drop off. Not so. I was told that now when I
dieted I would be able to lose weight. But, my metabolism is so messed up
because of so many years of abuse that nothing much is happening so far. I have
been able to lose 19 pounds over the past year, but that is just a drop in the
bucket to what I have to lose to be healthy. My health has deteriorated so much
that I take a variety of medications to prevent further major health
complications.
I have always said to my husband “if I
could only be locked up somewhere for a month until my eating habits changed,
maybe I could lose weight”. I believe the Bariatric bypass will do this for me.
Once the surgery is done, I will have a few months when I will have no choice
except to eat small amounts and I will not be able to “slip”. By the time I am
able to eat more, my habits will have changed drastically.
Some of the reasons I would like to have
the operation are to lose weight and be as healthy as I can be, to get off all
of the medications I now take, to be active once again, to take walks, and, most
of all to play with my grandchildren. I don’t want to sit on the couch not able
to join in, not able to go for a walk with them or go play with them in their
rooms when they ask. I don’t want to die soon, I want to live a lot longer, have
much more energy and spend quality time with my family.
I have tried so many times over the years
to lose weight on my own. Even right now I belong to a gym, even though I can’t
exercise the way I would like to due to previous surgery complications. I have
to say my eating habits have changed drastically due to diabetes. I used to
think that if I didn’t get my red meat and potatoes for dinner that I hadn’t
eaten. I ate potatoes almost every night of my life up until the last couple of
years – now, buying a bag of potatoes can last a really long time and I have
even had to throw them out when they have gone bad. Now I rarely eat red meat
and eat more chicken, fish, and veggies. I have changed to whole grain foods,
although I now realize I have allergies to some of these and need to reconfigure
a little. When I really stop and think about it, it’s amazing to me how much my
eating habits have changed, it doesn’t seem like it has, but when I think about
how I used to eat, I know it has.
Once the surgery is over and I have
recuperated and lost weight, I can’t wait to have energy, to be able to play
with my grandchildren, to not worry about having to sit in the middle seat of an
airplane, or even the aisle or window seat for that matter, to be able to bend
over and put on and take off my socks, to put my clothes on and take them off
easily, to wear shoes with laces, to not pee when I cough or laugh too hard, to
walk up stairs without difficulty, to sit in chairs in restaurants with ease, to
take long walks with my husband through trails maybe even doing one of the 10 k
runs, to go to the bathroom on a plane without wondering what people are
thinking about when they see this fat person squeezing through the isle, to eat
from a buffet without feeling guilty and wondering what people are thinking, to
have the energy to cook, do my dishes and housework, and to be able to get in
and out of my car easily. These are just a few things that come from the top of
my head right at this minute.
This surgery can really make a HUGE
difference to the quality of my life. I really believe I can become healthy, get
rid of most, if not all, of my medications including insulin, and live a longer
life. My Granny lived until her nineties! I know it’s not going to be easy, but
the rewards are going to be so worth it. And I believe I have a good start in
the way my eating habits have changed and I am not giving up on exercising. I
will go back to the gym and start walking again on the treadmill.
I am getting older and without this
intervention I do not know how much longer I will live. I definitely need help
in taking the weight off and I believe I will then be able to keep it off. I
really do see this as a tool for me in weight loss and I am asking you to
please, please, arrange for the Bariatric bypass surgery for me as soon as
possible before it is too late for me. Thank you
AW |
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